2008 Academy Awards Preview

Written 18 February 2008.


This is the preview copy of the 2008 Academy Awards Preview, for consideration in all categories of the 2008 Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Awards for previews of the 2008 Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences Awards. Please note that as this is an advance copy of a soon-to-be-published paper, one that has been created in the interests of profit, it is incumbent upon all recipients of this preview to not share, republish or copy this preview. Piracy is a crime, both on the high seas and on your computer.

The Oscars were first awarded in 1988 after it was agreed the Sylvester Stallone movie ‘Oscar’ was deserving of an accolade to distinguish it from other movies. A 24-carat gold casting of Sylvester was presented in a low-key affair at the Burbank 24-hour gymnasium, next to the tanning machine, to the 24 producers who worked on that masterpiece. After a six year hiatus, the Oscars were next presented in 1994 to the American Association of Jewish Filmmakers for their biopic of Oskar Schindler. Two changes were made. Firstly, the spelling was changed to include a ‘K’ and, instead of only casting 24 Oskars, in order to give one to all Jewish American filmmakers, 27,000 statuettes had to be made. Steven Spielberg featured prominently at the ceremony, which also coincided with Zach Braff’s bah mitzvah, and finished the night with 161 Oskars of his own. His new-found importance to American film industry gave rise to the now-popular joke: Steven Spielberg is so powerful he even had the final cut at his own circumcision.

Spielberg campaigned heavily for Bill Clinton’s re-election and for the introduction of a permanent awards ceremony to honour filmmakers of all religions, except Scientologist and some Catholics, and in 2004, 18 years after the Oscars were first given out, the first annual Academy Awards were presented. Winning Best Picture that year was ‘Dodgeball’, a popular dramedy starring Lance Armstrong in an uncredited cameo. In ensuing years, ‘The Passion of the Christ’, ‘The Longest Yard’ and ‘Blades of Glory’ have taken out the top award. Now it’s 2008 and it’s time to look ahead to see which film will join that illustrious list and walk home with their own 24-carat gold statuette of Sylvester Stallone.

Best Picture

Who Will Win: No Country For Old Men (CP: Patrick got this one right.)

One of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. It’s long, pointless and totally devoid of plot, story or character development. Another in a long list of overrated films produced by America’s chief merchants of swill, the Coen Brothers. I have this theory that their films appeal to people that have medium-level intelligence. These people think they’re smart when they see these movies and then talk about how moving and industrious the Coen Brothers are. People like me, with my unique giant brain the size of a planet, recognise these films for the waste of time they really are. Those on the lowest intelligence bandwidth generally live in Sydney’s western suburbs and their cinemas don’t show arthouse film such as this.

Who Should Win: There Will Be Blood

A truly fantastic movie. Visually stunning and magnificently acted, this tale of revenge and greed on the American oilfields is an excursion not just into the past but into the mind of the American magnate. A true epic and worthy of more Oscars than the one it is guaranteed to win. I also liked Juno and would see it as a worthy winner.

Director’s Commentary

Welcome to the Director’s Commentary of this preview. I’m Patrick and I wrote and directed this preview. So far I think it’s been a good review. I decided to start by giving an accurate historical grounding to the awards, which I think worked well. I wrote a lot of this at home, and where I write ‘a lot’ I mean all and where I wrote ‘home’ I mean work. It takes a lot more effort and inspiration than you might think to write out a paragraph for each category, so I might just use a table for the rest of the awards. If people want to know more they can always call or write me, through my litarary agent, of course.

Who Will Win Who Should Win
Picture No Country For Old Men There Will Be Blood
Director Coen Brothers (NCFOM) Paul Thomas Anderson (TWBB)
Actor Daniel Day-Lewis (TWBB) Daniel Day-Lewis (TWBB)
Actress Julie Christie (Away From Her) Ellen Page (Juno)
Supp. Actor Javier Bardem (NCFOM) Casey Affleck (The Assassination…)
Supp. Actress Cate Blanchett (I’m Not There) Saoirse Ronan (Atonement)
Original Screenplay Diablo Cody (Juno) Diablo Cody (Juno)
Adapted Screenplay Coen Brothers (NCFOM) Paul Thomas Anderson (TWBB)

(CP: Patrick got Picture, Director, Actor, Supporting Actor, Original Screenplay and Adapted Screenplay right.)

Perhaps you disagree? Keep your opinions to yourself, I’m the expert here.

Of course the Oscars aren’t just about Awards or Previews to the Awards, there also about fashion and death. For those that have never bothered to watch an entire telecast, at some point during the ceremony a cellist, perhaps Yo Yo Ma, which is a slang term for a mother with loose morals, will play a sombre tune while images of dead celebrities flash up on the jumbo vision. One thing to note when this happens is the different levels of applause that different dead celebrities receive. Often they will start with a big one, perhaps Roy Scheider, to get everyone in the mood, before sifting through the less well known passed masters, the sound engineers, the cinematographers and any choreographer that somehow escaped AIDS during the early 80s. The crowd generally become a bit bored during this part and some even nip off to the Celebrity Centre to check on their thetan levels. Nevertheless, the show goes on and towards the ends they build up to a crescendo by going through the more famous, and therefore more important, team members to have died. 2008 is an important one for us Down Under, as our very own Heath Ledger will be a part of it. Of course, Heath Ledger is a former Oscar nominee himself, for his role in the historical drama ‘A Knight’s Tale’. So that members of the audience are still awake by this stage to honour Heath’s memory with a compassionate round of applause, the ashes of Heath, still mixed with his last snort of posh, will be distributed amongst the guest to insufflate Keith Richards style in an attempt to clear out the cobwebs. Now I’ve spoken to Heath’s father, Cliff Ledger, and he agrees that this is an appropriate and respectful way to remember Heath.

Director’s Commentary

I find it hard to believe that anyone has actually read this far, but for those that are still trawling through, I offer some reflection. I really like my table, although some of the categories aren’t aligned as well as they could be. I’m more of a writer than a formatter so I’ll let it pass like an Australian slips fielder watching the ball but not making an attempt to catch it (I’m talking to you, Matthew Hayden). In my discussion on the Vale I really like my witty references to Scientology and my use of ‘insufflate’, which is just a pretentious word for ‘snort’. I’m so smart. I wonder if anyone will get my joke about Cliff Ledger (Cliff Ledge-er, anyone?). Either way, I’m very self-satisfied at the moment and I have a Michael Vaughan-esque smug smirk on my face.

Directory’s Commentary Commentary

Hi, I’m Patrick and I wrote the Director’s Commentary. I always like to be a bit self-deprecating, pointing out how boring this must to be to read. The truth is, I think most readers think I’m a bit of a genius and are jealous that I could create such a humourous and intelligent piece of writing, even if do spell ‘humorous’ incorrectly. As per usual, I make too many obscure references, and this one, about Matthew Hayden not catching Sachin Tendulkar in a cricket game last night, is surely going to pass many of my readers by. I end by explaining what ‘insufflate’ means for those that have never researched drug use on Wikipedia and then I explain my Cliff Ledger joke, just to make sure everybody knows just how clever I am.

(CP: Patrick went a bit overboard with the self love there.)

It seems like a long time ago this was about the Oscars.

I hope you have enjoyed this Preview and I encourage you to vote for it in all categories of the 2008 Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Awards for previews of 2008 Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences Awards. If you have any feedback or if you wish to give your own immature opinions or predictions, please feel free to contact my literary agent care of myself.

Enjoy the show!

End of Preview. Please help stop illegal Preview Piracy. You can do this by not copying this and not printing it out and not sending it to all your friends under the message subject “this is awesome, check out how cool this is, I hear the guy that wrote it is really good looking”. Please don’t do that.

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