2003 Year In Review

Written 31 December 2003.

I can’t believe I gave Peter Jackson 10 hours of my life. What a year! 2003. Who amongst you managed to win a goal kicking competition and a TV gameshow in the same week? Who amongst you decided to give themselves a 25% discount at Grace Bros and, when the sales staff refused to honour it, complained and received the discount and a $50 voucher? Who amongst you attended 23 Rugby League games in a season – as well as sitting through two days of excruciating Sevens action? Who amongst you was caught on amateur video with Paris Hilton and R Kelly? It’s been a bland year; and is there a more vapid way of ending it than trawling through my self-indulgent end of year review? Hey, you could be reading a Matthew Reilly novel.

Unlike last year when I went over-bored with awards and nominations, I’m keeping it simple. This is mostly because I think you’re stupid. I also think that quite a few of you live promiscuous, profligate lives. I hope this fits in with your drug taking and anonymous sex.


The cricket team of the year is:

Matthew Hayden
Graeme Smith
Ricky Ponting
Brian Lara
Rahul Dravid
Steve Waugh
Adam Gilchrist
Shaun Pollock
Muttiah Murilitharan
Makhaya Ntini
Shoaib Akhtar

The cricketer of the year is Ricky Ponting.

The best EPL players of the first half of the season are:

Thierry Henry
Robert Pires
Ruud van Nistelrooy
Frank Lampard
Jay Jay Okocha
Harry Kewell
Damien Duff
Louis Saha
Tim Howard
Mark Schwarzer
Roy Keane
John Terry
Wayne Rooney

Christiano Ronaldo is the worst player in the Premier League.

(CP: Suffice to C.Ronaldo improved over time.)

The best soccer player in the world is Thierry Henry.

After much consideration I announce that Rugby Union is the world’s best sport. It is exciting, fast, unpredictable and truly the running game. The World Cup was the best sporting event I’ve ever experienced. I can’t wait for France 2007.

The sportsman of the year is Steve Waugh.


Did you go to the cinema 41 times this year? I did. What a waste of money. I also saw three films from 2003 on DVD. Here is the Top 44 of 2003:

44 Phone Booth (DVD)
43 Chicago
42 White Oleander
41 The Hours
40 Alien: The Director’s Cut
39 The Matrix Revolutions
38 S.W.A.T.
37 In The Cut
36 Finding Nemo
35 Holes
34 The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers
33 Mystic River
32 Gangs Of New York
31 Seabiscuit
30 The Quiet American
29 Catch Me If You Can
28 Punch Drunk Love
27 Roger Dodger
26 The Matrix Reloaded
25 T3: Rise Of The Machines
24 The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King
23 Auto Focus
22 Lost In Translation
21 The Pianist
20 Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind (DVD)
19 The Rules Of Attraction
18 About Schmidt
17 One Hour Photo
16 25th Hour (DVD)
15 Elf
14 Matchstick Men
13 The Runaway Jury
12 Far From Heaven
11 Identity
10 Pirates Of The Carribean: The Curse Of The Black Pearl
9 Cicade De Deus
8 8 Mile
7 Spellbound
6 School Of Rock
5 Intolerable Cruelty
4 Kill Bill: Volume I
3 Hable Con Ella
2 Master & Commander: The Far Side Of The World
1 Igby Goes Down

Here are some minor acting accolades:

Best Actor: Russell Crowe (Master & Commander: The Far Side Of The World)
Best Actress: Uma Thurman (Kill Bill: Volume I)
Best Supporting Actor: Paul Bettany (Master & Commander: The Far Side Of The World)
Best Supporting Actress: Claire Danes (Igby Goes Down)

Well done Hollywood! You’ve finally ruined movies.


Oh man I love television. And luckily it was a pretty good year. No ranking here as TV has become too genre specific; but the best shows in 2003 were:

The Sopranos
Six Feet Under
Queer As Folk
Survivor: The Amazon
Survivor: Pearl Islands
The Mole
Premier League Highlights
South Park
The Simpsons
The Office
Dr Phil


I read the following books in 2003. I’ve given each of them a score out of ten.

Catch-22 (Joseph Heller) – 10
Harry Potter & The Order Of The Phoenix (JK Rowling) – 10
American Psycho (Bret Easton-Ellis) – 10
Less Than Zero (Bret Easton-Ellis) – 10
Closing Time (Joseph Heller) – 9
The Rules Of Attraction (Bret Easton-Ellis) – 8
Middlesex (Jeffrey Eugenides) – 7
The Virgin Suicides (Jeffrey Eugenides) – 7
Something Happened (Joseph Heller) – 7
Of Mice And Men (John Steinbeck) – 6
A Map Of The World (Jane Hamilton) – 6
Stupid White Men (Michael Moore) – 6
The Catcher In The Rye (JD Salinger) – 5
Holes (Louis Sachar) – 5
The Lord Of The Rings (JRR Tolkien) – 4
The Informers (Bret Easton-Ellis) – 4
A Walk To Remember (Nicholas Sparks) – 1

I started reading but didn’t finish:

Glamarama (Bret Easton-Ellis)
The Lord Of The Flies (William Golding)
Heart Of Darkness (Joseph Conrad)
Dude, Where’s My Country? (Michael Moore)
The Snow Falcon (Stuart Harrison)
Moby Dick (Herman Melville)

I’m sorry J, I’m just not as patient as you when it comes to boring books. Read Harry Potter already.


The food of 2003 is bacon.


There were some iconoclasts last year when I named Robert Mugabe the 2002 Man Of The Year – some people claimed I wasn’t being serious or was making a mockery of my awards. This year I want none of that hurtful debasing. That is why I am giving this award to the man who deserves it most. The 2003 Man Of The Year is me.


I’m taking this as well, although Delta did have five Australian #1 singles…


Many awards ceremonies like to take time out during the proceedings to look back on those in the industry who have dies over the last year. Here is a list of people I wished had died:

John Howard
George W Bush
Tony Blair
Tom Cruise
Ja Rule
John Q Pauper
Trevor Hohns
Steve Iwin


The best e-mail of 2003 is attached. Please note that I read at least 7769 emails over the weekend to determine this. This was a no contest in the end.

(CP: This email has yet to be uncovered.)

Petty Crime

The thief of the year is that guy that caught the flyball to stop the Cubs making the World Series. I understand his name is R Villisanti.


No ranking here, but the worst songs of 2003 included:

Going Under (Evanescence)
Are You Happy Now (Michelle Branch)
You Don’t Know My Name (Alicia Keys)
Beautiful (Christina Aguilera)
Angels Brought Me Here (Guy Sebastian)
Baby Boy (Beyonce & Sean Paul)
Favourite Things (Big Brovaz)
Why Not? (Hilary Duff)
Right Thurr (Chingy)
Hello (The Cat Empire)
Hardest Button To Button (The White Stripes)

The best video of the year was The Scientist by Coldplay.

Hottest 100

A very open year is 2003. There is definitely no clear favourite – or even as many Top 10 certs as there have been in previous years. Despite this, here is my prediction for the Top 10:

1. Hey Ya! – OutKast (CP: #2.)
2. Sunsets – Powderfinger (CP: #7.)
3. Are You Gonna Be My Girl – Jet (CP: #1.)
4. Relapse – Little Birdie (CP: #16.)
5. The Scientist – Coldplay (CP: Did not make the list.)
6. Déjà Vu – Something For Kate (CP: #11.)
7. On My Mind – Powderfinger (CP: #4.)
8. The Leaving Song Part II – AFI (CP: #58.)
9. Hello – The Cat Empire (CP: #6.)
10. Feeler – Pete Murray (CP: #20.)

Care to bet against me?

The best albums of 2003 were:

A House On A Street In A Town I’m From (The Panics)
Hail To The Thief (Radiohead)
Permission To Land (The Darkness)
Justified (Justin Timberlake)
Meteora (Linkin Park)

Top 100 Of 2003

100 Bang This – J Weiss Project
99 Hello World – The Saddle Club
98 Girls & Boys – Good Charlotte
97 Obstacle 1 – Interpol
96 If You’re Not The One – Daniel Bedingfield
95 Angel – Amanda Perez
94 El Salvador – Athlete
93 Gay Bar – The Electric Six
92 Make Love – Room 5
91 Miss Independent – Kelly Clarkson
90 Something Beautiful – Robbie Williams
89 In Da Club – 50 Cent
88 James Dean (I Wanna Know) – Daniel Bedingfield
87 Bandages – Hot Hot Heat
86 Armies Against Me – Epicure
85 Universally Speaking – Red Hot Chili Peppers
84 Unchained Melody – Gareth Gates
83 The Anthem – Good Charlotte
82 Spirit In The Sky – Gareth Gates & The Kumars
81 Saturday Morning – The Eels
80 Low – Kelly Clarkson
79 Husan – Banghara Knights vs Husan
78 Franco Un-American – NOFX
77 God Put A Smile Upon Your Face – Coldplay
76 Me Against The Music – Britney Spears & Madonna
75 Superman – Eminem
74 Who Said? – Planet Funk & Dan Black
73 Feeling This – Blink 182
72 21 Questions – 50 Cent & Nate Dogg
71 Frontin’ – Pharrell Williams
70 Heaven – Live
69 Innocent Eyes – Delta Goodrem
68 Baby Blue – Little Birdie
67 Be Faithful – Fatman Scoop & Crooklyn Clan
66 Bring Me To Life – Evanescence
65 Sexed Up – Robbie Williams
64 Go To Sleep – Radiohead
63 Friday Night – The Darkness
62 Fortune Faded – Red Hot Chili Peppers
61 Danger! High Voltage – The Electric Six
60 Breathe – Blu Cantrell & Sean Paul
59 Lovesong – Amiel
58 Senorita – Justin Timberlake
57 White Flag – Dido
56 Gimme The Light – Sean Paul
55 I Want You – Thalia & Fat Joe
54 Just Because – Jane’s Addiction
53 Mundian To Bach Ke (Beware Of The Boys) – Panjabi MC & Jay Z
52 Seven Nation Army – The White Stripes
51 The People – The Music
50 Coming Home – Alex Lloyd
49 Yashimi Battles The Pink Robots – The Flaming Lips
48 2+2=5 – Radiohead
47 All The Things She Said – TATU
46 Deja Vu – Something For Kate
45 Hey Ya! – OutKast
44 Like Glue – Sean Paul
43 Rock Your Body – Justin Timberlake
42 Relapse – Little Birdie
41 Business – Eminem
40 Somewhere I Belong – Linkin Park
39 Growing On Me – The Darkness
38 What I Go To School For – Busted
37 Someday – Nickelback
36 Like A Stone – Audioslave
35 Amsterdam – Coldplay
34 Intuition – Jewel
33 Shake Ya Tailfeather – P Diddy, Nelly & Murphy Lee
32 Wig In A Box – John Cameron Mitchell
31 We’ve Had Enough – Alkaline Trio
30 What A Waster – The Libertines
29 There There – Radiohead
28 We Used To Be Friends – The Dandy Warhols
27 Over And Out – The Superjesus
26 Fight Test – The Flaming Lips
25 Clocks (Remix) – Coldplay & Royksopp
24 Fever For The Flava – Hot Action Cop
23 Honestly – Zwan
22 How Soon Is Now? – TATU
21 Come Undone – Robbie Williams
20 The Leaving Song Part II – AFI
19 This Day – The Sleepy Jackson
18 Bad Day – REM
17 I Believe In A Thing Called Love – The Darkness
16 Not Me, Not I – Delta Goodrem
15 Mad World – Michael Anthony & Gary Jules
14 White America – Eminem
13 Scorpio Rising – Death In Vegas
12 Where Is The Love? – Black Eyed Peas
11 Don’t Be Kind – The Panics
10 Sleepyhead – Blueline Medic
9 The Origin Of Love – John Cameron Mitchell
8 Kid You’re A Dreamer – The Panics
7 Sing For The Moment – Eminem
6 A Rush Of Blood To The Head – Coldplay
5 Get Busy – Sean Paul
4 See America Right – The Mountain Goats
3 Ignition (Remix) – R. Kelly
2 Numb – Linkin Park
1 Clocks – Coldplay

Lights go out and I can’t be saved.

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