#16s of 2016 + Tweets, Footballers & Exotic Bet Types (Part 1)
#15s of 2016 + Journalism (Part 2)
#14s of 2016 + Gigs (Part 3)
#13s of 2016 + Food (Part 4)
#12s of 2016 + Words (Part 5)
#11s of 2016 + Memes & Emoji (Part 6)
#10s of 2016 + People (Part 7)
#9s of 2016 + Football Moments & Trivia (Part 8)
#8s of 2016 + Extreme Crosswording (Part 9)
#7s of 2016 + Patrick’s Christmas Message (Part 10)
#6s of 2016 + Sport in 2016 & Top 100 Songs of 2016 (Part 11)
#5s of 2016 + Patrick’s Best Tweets & More Great Tweets & More #P100 (Part 12)
#4s of 2016 + In Memoriam & Still More #P100 (Part 13)
Sala kakuhle 2016 (almost)…
What’s the most awkward in the wild encounter you can have with a service provider? Running into teachers outside of school was always irksome but as you bloom into adulthood you run the risk of meeting your divorce lawyer, dodgy accountant or barista on the street, when the usual codifications of your relationships have abandoned you and you have to treat each other as equals. Mental health professional, like a psychologist or psychiatrist, must be up there. On the one hand, you want to appear normal because it’s in public and you don’t want to make a scene but it’s also handy to appear slightly touched or unhinged so at least they know they can’t rest up and bank your cheques. This paragraph has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of Part 14 of the 2016 Year in Review, which includes #3s in Films, TV, Albums and Books, along with the fulfilment of two requests postponed from yesterday: Food Trends and Advertising. Today’s special feature is News in 2016. The end is in sight peeps!
#3 in Films…
Ethan Hawke and Julianne Moore are opposites-attract married academics when Greta Gerwig, the titular Maggie, pops up in their lives, turns Hawke’s eye, weds him and beds him and gives birth to their daughter. But things soon turn sour and she hatches a clever scheme, her titular plan, to get rid of him.
Loquacious, witty and intellectually elitist, just like the nonsense liberal arts subjects all the characters have PhDs in, Maggie’s Plan is a pithy slice of New York life. Funny, heartfelt and full of en pointe performances, including some scene stealing supporting spots from Bill Hader, Maya Rudolph and Travis Fimmel, this is filmmaking that makes you fall back in love with cinema.
#3 in TV…
Not just because I am rushing through this edition to just get it done but also Survivor enjoyment is very much dependent on boots not being spoilt, I’m going to limit my commentary on season 33: Millennials v Gen X to a few sentences.
The above beautiful people, in combination with the magnificent production team and paragon of a host Jeff Probst, work together to give us one of the absolute best ever seasons of Survivor. Great challenges, unusual twists and turns, introduction of new currency and a coupla firsts: it all adds up to yet another winning instalment. It’s been 17 years since this greatest of reality competition programs debuted and yet it stays fresh and original, moreso than so many of the rival franchises it so obviously inspired.
Top 100 Songs of 2016 (#P100)
100. Untitled 08 09.06.2014. – Kendrick Lamar
99. Glad That You’re Gone – Hard Aches
98. Lost (Season One) – Camp Cope
97. Me, Myself & I – G-Eazy & Bebe Rexha
96. The Boys – Lisa Mitchell
95. Roses – Chainsmokers & Rozes
94. Simulation – Tkay Maidza
93. Gimme The Love – Jake Bugg
92. Thresher – Hellions
91. Good To Be Alone – Matt Corby
90. I Know A Girl – Preatures
89. Do It, Try It – M83
88. Faded – Milwaukee Banks
87. 1000x – Jarryd James & Broods
86. Stranger Things Theme – Luke Million
85. Cocoon – Milky Chance
84. No Chill – Vic Mensa & Skrillex
83. I Know What You Did Last Summer – Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello
82. Idiot Oracle – Paul Dempsey
81. Cake By The Ocean – DNCE
80. How To Taste – Violent Soho
79. Colours – Avalanches
78. Edge Of Town – Middle Kids
77. Cruel – Snakehips & Zayn
76. Satan – DD Dumbo
75. Over You – SAFIA
74. Apple Cider, I Don’t Mind – Modern Baseball
73. Ivy League – Alex Lahey
72. Black Beatles – Rae Sremmurd & Gucci Mane
71. 1993 (No Chill) – Paces & Jess Kent
70. Stepkids – Avalanches
69. Oblivius – Strokes
68. Adore – Savages
67. Choose Me – James Blake
66. Weatherman – Panics
65. Rollling Dice – Just A Gent, Ella Vos & Joey Chavez
64. Scott Green – Dune Rats
63. Till It Kills Me – Montaigne
62. Light Tunnels – Macklemore & Ryan Lewis & Mike Slap
61. Stressed Out – Twenty One Pilots
60. You Know – Flume & Allan Kingdom & Raekwon
59. Panda – Desiigner
58. 1955 – Hilltop Hoods, Montaigne & Tom Thum
57. Burn The Witch – Radiohead
56. Hold Up – Beyonce
55. Sad Songs – Sticky Fingers
54. No 28 – Methyl Ethel
53. Palo Alto – Jack River
52. Together, Locked Safely – SAFIA
51. Muchacho – Kings Of Leon
50. 4 Degrees – Anohni
49. Blown Away – DMAs
48. The Colour In Anything – James Blake
47. Good Grief – Bastille
46. The Element Of Surprise – Last Shadow Puppets
45. I Feel It Coming – Weeknd & Daft Punk
44. Starboy – Weeknd & Daft Punk
43. Waste A Moment – Kings Of Leon
42. Rising Water – James Vincent McMorrow
41. Smoke Signals – Olympia
40. Somebody Else – 1975
39. One Dance – Drake, Wizkid & Kyla
38. Heathens – Twenty One Pilots
37. Outcast At Last – Sticky Fingers
36. Bad Decisions – Two Door Cinema Club
35. Conversation Piece – Kings Of Leon
34. Girlie Bits – Ali Barter
33. Are We Ready (Wreck) – Two Door Cinema Club
32. Adore – Amy Shark
31. The Sound – 1975
30. Aviation – Last Shadow Puppets
29. Strange Diseases – Gang Of Youths
28. Aquasun – Basement
27. Two Vines – Empire Of The Sun
26. Sleep In The Heat – PUP
(There were two requests issued on my Twitter two days past and I just couldn’t be bothered yday but here they be! If you would like to request a ranking or commentary, ping me on my Twitter!)
It breaks my heart every time a new pub opens or an old one undergoes its traditional renovation every 18 months or a flailing woolshed is purchased and Hemmesified into a watering hole and the deeply unoriginal head chef unveils a bright and fresh new menu inspired by seasonal produce and local trends and it comprises exactly the same options as every other pub in Sydney and probably the world. There’s the hamburger with cheese and bacon and special sauce (spoiler alert: it’s thousand island dressing) served on a bun made from whipped milk, butter and cream held together with a single sesame seed; buttermilk fried chicken burger served on a supersoft milk bun; gourmet hot dogs served on a brioche roll; parmesan crusted chicken schnitzel; and such and such. Nothing makes your pub stand out more than having exactly the same dairy-drenched American comfort food saloon style bistro as every other pub. Sometimes when at the bar ordering a beer I am worried that I will be served a pint of milk and then charged $40 for it.
So desperate was I to enjoy a burger while on my summer hols I arranged to bring my own roll to the pub…
Outside of the modern era’s obsession with everything dairy, 2016 has also seen the mainstreaming of superfoods, which are just like regular foods but with more silent letters and twice as expensive. The açaí berry has become a shibboleth for healthy eating, and not just because I’ve got no idea how to pronounce it. Have it in a bowl, which is what people in Bondi call salads, with goji, maca, cacao and quinoa. If you’re feeling particularly adventurous, smash something comestible to enjoy on the side. I’m not sure how our preoccupation with smashed foods fits in with our society’s hyperconsciousness of violence, especially by drunk men or against intimate partners, but I’m guessing we’ve all just decided avocados have no feelings.
Like most groovy mid-30s sexually ambiguous gym junkies I only eat foods with high Scrabble scores. Flaxseed, zucchini flowers, ox tongue and frites julienne are regulars at Chez Patrique. Worldliness is also a prized commodity — you don’t want to appear gastronomically xenophobic — so I like to pack my About Life burlap sack with Brussels sprouts, Chinese broccoli, Buffalo wings, Fuji apples and Jerusalem artichokes. The Kiwi fruit is a real ellipsis-in-the-Venn-diagram of super/Scrabble/geodiverse foodstuffs.
I used to think there was only one way to fry a dead chicken, and that was Kentucky style, but with more and more body reclaimers proudly embracing their true shapes, we’ve seen the rise of Korean, Louisianan, Katsu, Broasted and Lollipop. One can only hope the chair reenforcement industry is developing at the same pace.
You know you’re eating something high in flour and sugar because you swallow it and then you feel good inside. On my birthday I allowed myself the sheer delight of having a Vegan Fox chocolate doughnut from Donut Time and it was amazing. I tend to cut loose as soon as my feet touch Customs so indulged in white bread in London, pizza in Paris and a muffin in Amsterdam, the last treat of which left me comatose on a settee in the common room of my hostel for like 10 hours. One part of me thinks special days of the year aside, you should just have a green apple, while the other half thinks fuck it just eat whatever you want it’s nobody else’s business.
Red meat! It’s like drinking blood but viscousy! Anyone who invested in Halal Snack Pack futures was laughing in 2016, and the takeaway, high fat, enormous sauce content of the HSP meant it was in frame of a renaissance even before that buffoon opened her mouth. In further politician-related chow news, the humble sausage sizzle sizzled bigly in July thanks to those kooky Instagrammers and Snapchatters with their Democracy Sausages. Even this soldier of sententiousness joined in…
I’m concerned the humble steak has an image problem. I’m convinced people don’t really like marbling — triggers too many terrible memories from primary school — and yet we are constantly being force fed the marketing spiel that entrecôte and porterhouse and New York strip are the premium cuts. Give me rump any day, and eye fillet on pay day!
And for the vegetarians, there’s mushroom risotto.
Save for live sport and leadership spills I so rarely watch commercial free-to-air TV that the only ads I ever see are for low-to-mid-end alcohol brands and corporate bookmakers. My understanding is that pale ale, Indian pale ale, steam ale, summer ale, sparkling ale, golden ale, bright ale, amber ale, blonde ale, dark ale, brown ale, red ale, Scottish ale and wheat ale are all in the ascendency, while rubicund men ignore bikini-clad women in poolside settings to successfully gamble on bizarre cricket and association football exotics.
I’m keen to fulfil the promise of request deliveryment while also keen to essentially phone this one in so I am going to present below 5-10 of the best ads I’ve spotted on the internet this year. I won’t say where because that would be telling!
News in 2016…
Here be the Top 16 News Events of 2016. Individual deaths have been immortalised in my poem from yesterday. I’ve included a bon mot to heighten the significance of the event’s inclusion.
16. Greyhound racing is banned in New South Wales! No it’s not! — Unban fun please next
15. Four die on the Thunder River Rapids Ride at Dreamworld — Literally the worst way to go: at least on rollercoasters you don’t get wet
14. People die, even celebrities — Srsly we all just need to take a xanex and chill
13. Brock Turner’s “20 minutes of action” highlights college rape culture — Amazing showcase of the internet’s power for good
12. United States begins normalising relations with Cuba — Havana good time!
11. #CensusFail — Worst thing about this was the encouragement of conspiracy theorists
10. Turnbull’s Coalition government is returned, just — His election night meltdown was hilarious
9. The real truth about Hillsborough is finally acknowledged — Respect always
8. Terrorist attacks in Brussels, Belgium, kill 32 — Fucking terrorists
7. #BlackLivesMatter (incorporating police shootings and Dallas sniper attack) — And they do
6. Evil Putin — Fucking Putin
5. Global refugee crisis — I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I am happy for anybody from anywhere to emigrate to Australa, provided they swear on a copy of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince to be non-religious from now on.
4. Pulse nightclub shooting in Orlando, Florida, kills 49 people — Terrorist hate crime
3. Terrorist truck driver kills 86 people in Nice, France — Srsly, fucking terrorists
2. Brexit! — I died a little on the inside
1. Trump triumphant — I died a lot on the outside
#3 in Albums…
(Australia #1, US #1, UK #1)
Camouflaged amid the 17 listed tracks on 1975’s ghastly titled I Like It When You Sleep, For You Are So Beautiful Yet So Unaware Of It are 10 glorious alt-pop songs. There is a lot of ambient filler to skip through to get to those infectious ditties but it doesn’t take many listens to realise it is totally worth it.
Lead singer Matthew Healy and his Mancunian chums play around with a plasticky sound that is perfect for this ephemeral zeitgeist, while his caustic lyrics detailing failed relationships and the vapidity of celebrity (“You said I’m full of diseases, your eyes were full of regret, and then you took a picture of your salad, and put it on the internet”) make singing along in the Splendour moshpit an entertaining experience for the casual fans in earshot.
If a prefab boyband released this album it would be hailed as a triumph, if a blatanly mercantile one, but because 1975 are like an actual band that writes their own songs, plays their own instruments and, one assumes, aspires to some sort of artistic merit, they are derided as being soulless and desperate for commercial and critical acclaim. They have independently secured the first of those desirous Cs and I’m giving them the second because I Like It When They Play For They Are So Talented And So Obviously Aware Of It.
#3 in Books…
(This one is actually from 2016!!!)
What an extraordinary achievement in literature. I adored every stolen moment in bed, on planes, at lunch and right now before an auction absorbed in this harrowing but optimistic tale of love, duty and forgiveness, set against the nightmarish privation of the Blockade of Malta and the terrific uncertainty of the Blitz. Everyone reading is rewarded.
Good thing about recognising Everyone Brave Is Forgiven at #3 is that I’ve pretty done all the heavy lifting in my Instagram caption above.